Random Series of Escapes

Tumblr is a little ...

2009-05-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Annoying. I don't want to have to share my blog page with other people. It's just all over the place and I don't like it. I guess I'm selfish - I mean, I know Tumblr. is all about sharing ideas, etc but to be honest, I just want somewhere to write and have my own space with no other 're-blogged items'.

I spent this past weekend in London, which was good. Sarah had a lovely tea party so I made cakes to take down. I used to make cakes a while back but stopped. But, I love making them so I enjoyed making these delicious ones. Then, today I moved offices, fell down the stairs and really hurt myself. No fun.

Things have got to change.

It's time.

Holy Mess

2009-01-12T08:54:00.001-08:00

Don't you just love Church when it gets messy? Ahh, I do. I love it. I love it when God shows up and blows us away by His Glorious presence!

This weekend, we've had a 'leadership and vision' development time wherein we had an external provider come in, check us out and then encourage us to be 'real' with each other and where we want to see the Church go. Now, this could have been a little bit dangerous... ! Friday night there was a bit of tension, shall we say..! But, as the weekend developed some really great stuff came out. One of the best things was on Saturday when each one of us was encouraged to think about what we are passionate about and what we are going to 'step up to the plate' with in our Church's life.
I sat and thought about this... and knew, almost immediately, what I needed to say and commit to. This was worship and a few other things..

Anyways, I could feel my heart beating, going crazy... but knew I had to take a stand in this. So, I did.. and guess what? Amy got emotional! Ha. That's just the way I am.

This morning at Church was awesome. Firstly, Guy (the guy who came to speak) spoke on latent potential. And, how Jesus always saw that in people - in Simon he saw the potential ... of Peter and in us He recognises potential. And, as a community of believers that is how we should see each other.

I was asked to play a little (guitar) whilst people moved around to encourage each other - speak out what they see in each other. I happily played some music... and then Paul, a guy in the Church (and, and awesome one!) came and really encouraged me about my worship leading... then, the guy, Guy came and prayed for me... about worship and how he saw the prophetic moving in my life and I needed to really step out into that more. I could feel my whole body shaking... it was great.

Then, toward the end of the meeting all those who 'felt' that God was calling them to step up to the plate as regards the prophetic, were called to the front. I walked on up and I have never experienced this before, but I felt the literal glory of the Lord on my face.. I started saying 'can anyone else feel that heat??'... all over my face, it was CRAZY! (I thought I had begun the menopause and the hot flashes had begun...haha - not yet, Lord!).... ahh. Awesome.

Anyways, I guess what I am unpacking on this blog is my thoughts/feelings/stirring about the giftings God has given me. For such a long time, in Church, I have felt as if because I 'do things differently' when it comes to worship, there isn't a place for those ways of doing things... so, I have stepped back a little bit. My Pastor is awesome who always encourages... but, I have come up against some stuff (that doesn't need to be relived over this blog) which has been upsetting and a little bit ...I can't think of the word... restricted. That's the one.

But, the encouragement I have received from others.. particularly over this past weekend but also my good friend Alana, who I went to see in Paris before Christmas, has really stirred up what God has put in me. Sure, I don't believe I'm the best 'singer' in the world.. or the best guitarest... but I want to use what God has given me.

Which brings me to something else I've been thinking about... and, I don't know how well this will come across in a blog... but, with the possibility of me moving to Ventura in a few months or so, will I have the chance to exercise this gifting of worship leading? At the end of the day, I want to use what God has given me, to further His Kingdom. But, I really feel a release in my Church which, if I move away, I don't know will continue. Sure, we should all move forward in our gifts regardless of whether we are encouraged or not - our identity comes from God and God alone. But, we are human - and encouragement is good, ya know? Will I be able to move in this gifting or will it be a year where I have to lay that down? To be honest, I don't want to lay it down as I feel God is stirring it up in me again to move forward in..

I know that wherever we are, we are called to serve - if that means putting out the chairs, cleaning the crappers, taking out the rubbish, then that is just as important as leading worship, speaking in Church or leading a group. But, I do believe that God has given us strengths and giftings that He wants us to use in the Church... and, I want to use those gifts..

Long blog.

In the Midst Of..

2009-01-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

2008 has passed and here we are, already in 2009. I remember thinking, whilst watching one of the Back To The Future films many years ago, 'I wonder what it'll be like in the 21st Century, whether we will indeed use the Hover Board to travel'.

But, it's still our feet. (which is a good thing otherwise we could have ended up travelling in armchairs, a la Wal*E mode).

For me, 2008 was a year during which I threw myself into my job. I became what I did and many times throughout the year I would find myself stressed, unable to sleep and working to, more often than not, ridiculous deadlines. But, in many ways I thought this was good - I was proving myself and also my ability to manage and grow the company in which I work and did see fruit from this.

Now it's a whole 9 days since we opened our 2009 calendars, I have had a little time to reflect on last year and think about the year ahead.

I think that I have reached a stage whereat I choose to not make lofty plans for the year ahead. I think planning is important but so much can change in a matter of days let alone 12 months. Lots of things have changed for me in the past 12 months but not necessarily those things I thought would change. I guess that makes it so much more evident that God is God and His thoughts differ so much from ours!

For so long in my life, I have lived in the future and have longed for the day when.

I had a comment on a previous blog from a good friend stating that I always write about the same thing in my blogs - i.e. dreams, unfulfilled desires, etc and he was so right. I have lived in that place for a long time and it's only really this past year during which, I have examined those areas of my life.

I guess that, admittedly, I put more hope in my dreams than in my Maker.

So, God has brought me to a place of really and truely laying some things down. I'm not saying that those things are forgotton but, they are in their rightful place - not in my Hands but at the foot of the Cross. Best place for them.

Since I slowly (when I say slowly, it's been about 8 years!) have reached this place of surrendering those things, God has opened up some doors - and, to be honest, the doors He is opening are pretty daunting. I have had to ask myself the question 'crap, am I ready for this' and thoughts that life has become comfortable in the past couple of years - do I really want to uproot?.... I don't think I would have even considered these things a number of years ago. I do believe that it's so important to consider things whilst also not allowing external factors to ultimately determine decision.

Last Sunday whilst visiting a Church in California, the Pastor was talking about how everything belongs to God and we are only stewards of things. (e.g. money, gifting, family, etc). That really challenged me about what I was doing with what God has given - am I being a good steward or am I using those things as excuses to remain in the status quo?

At the end of the day, I guess what has really shifted in my heart is the concentration on God rather than me. All I am is His and all I have is His. The only lofty plan I have for 2009 is to have a year, during which my relationship with God is priority. Not my dreams but the pursuit of His heart. I want to be closer to God... not from a striving but from a falling in love with Him.

So, for me, 2009 is a year to fall in love.

My Shack

2008-09-09T01:27:00.000-07:00

A few friends and I have just started a Book Club. I have recently started to read again having had a hiatus in literary escapism and have, during the past 12 months, read a number of autobiographies which have really challenged my ways of thinking including opinion on historical events.I don't really read much fiction. However, we have decided that our first book we should read together in our club is 'The Shack' - a book which has been recommended to me by a number of good friends. We have to read six chapters within the next three weeks but I have already read five of them and I don't want to put the book down.

Last night, whilst I was reading the book, I found myself crying on a number of occasions. And, these tears were due to various things. The first thing, which people are probably tired of me writing and talking about is the ache in my heart to be back in the US. When I was reading the first chapter or so and how the writer talked about Oregon, just little mentions here and there, I could literally smell that Oregon air and it reminded me of all that I miss. I could see streets, people, mountains... memories, laughter and tears. I was reminded of my time there and all the awesome people I have met along the way. So, that was the first thing that the book brought up.

Then, as I got into the story and the heartache, pain and loss of the main character my heart just broke (I don't want to give anything away in terms of the story as I think everybody should read it!). When he returns to the Shack and begins to question God and break down in pain... I just broke. I had to literally put the book down and just sob. The author states that 'everybody has their shack' - the place in which so much pain, loss and heartache is found.

And, I believe that I am starting to wipe away the dust on the windows of my shack. It's painful and I guess I have gotton to a place where I just ignore it. It's so buried down within me that the thought of unearthing it is going to be so tough. I feel as if, my Shack is a broken record to people... and it links in with what I previously wrote about in terms of my heart to be back in the US. But, I realise that until I face it and wrestle with God in that place, there is a danger that my Walk with my Papa will become cold and distant - not trusting Him with my life, hopes and dreams. And, I don't want that.*sigh*... this book is already bringing things to the surface. I am worried that if I start to cry, I won't be able to stop.

when.

2008-05-15T11:03:00.003-07:00

will i ever afford a house of my own?

i need to get filthy rich.

find me a sugar daddy.

sail away

2007-07-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird how a conversation with one person or an experience, a smell or a song can bring back memories? Well, it's not weird because it happens all the time.. but, you would think that after 10 years, I would get over it and just realise "that's the way it is?".

Nope.

Yesterday I sailed my way across to the Isle of Wight. OK, so the Isle of Wight is nothing like Oregon.. but that feeling of the open air whilst enjoying the wide wide sea just reminds me of being in the US. And, tonight I had a 'Skype chat' with my friend Joel who lives in Redding... the end of the conversation consisted of him talking with a few others in the room he was in about where they were going to go for lunch. As they reeled off all these places they could go to eat I would go "aww... " because I miss that place.

How lame am I?!

We all think that our timeline is how it should be. I think that I should be in the US by now.. I have never felt settled ever since I came back here. Sure, I have had to learn to put my feet down and actually invest in things over here... but there is always that part of me which aches to move back there.

Next year I might. But, I guess that because I have been here for a while now, I am afraid. Am I too old to take the plunge and take a risk? I sometimes think I am. I sometimes think that I need to do all the things I should be doing at my age. Get a husband, get a new car, get a good pension and start listening to more David Gray.

*sigh*

it is well

2007-07-10T02:53:00.000-07:00

This morning my Mom and I were talking about the hymn, "It is Well with my Soul" and the story behind the man who wrote it. It was written by Horatio Spafford with music composed by Philip Bliss and it's the story of Spafford, which completely blew me away.

Horatio Spafford wrote this song after many traumatic experiences including the death of his only son in 1871, shortly followed by the great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially. Then, in 1873, he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the S. S. Ville Du Havre, but sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with another ship, and all four of Spafford’s daughters died. Spafford’s wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone.” Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.

So... that was the story of Horatio Spafford... and the lyrics are:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

This story just astounded me. For one, I think the song is incredibly beautiful but knowing the situation of the man who wrote it, baffles me even more. That, in the midst of all of this devastation, he still chose to praise God.

My life's trials are nothing compared to Spafford's, they don't even come close... but do I get caught up in the situation or look to Christ? Do I praise God in the midst of trials?

The answer is a definate, no.

Last night I was laying awake thinking about some things and how I feel as if I have been pooped on from a great height from the ways in which some have treated me. But, what can I do? I don't know.. I have examined my actions and thoughts and YES I am angry. Really angry.

I also look at other people's situations within my family and just the problems they've encountered. Am I praising God? Am I saying "It is Well with my Soul"? Uh, no.

Whilst I agree that God is tender to our circumstances and is a God of Grace, I also believe that He calls us to Praise despite circumstances... circumstances are temporary, yet He is infinite and outside of time...

This is something I am trying to grasp. I would rather revel in my situations and be a little bit self-absorbed. Yet, I know that I have to step out of this....and praise Him.

building... moms... future... reasons...

2007-05-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

I work in the wonderful world of construction and it isn't too bad. It's not an industry I would necessarily like to remain in til my retirement however, it has elements which make it somewhat interesting. Seeing a building develop from conception to completion is pretty exciting and being the one who is involved at the first stages of the tender process is also really rewarding.

My role is in Marketing, which means I manage the branding, communication, design (through a third party), PR, events, pre - qualification process and networking (some would say, 'sucking up to clients/architects/etc).

Anyways (there is a reasoning behind my little job spec introduction!)...

In construction there is a methodology of building which is known as "offsite construction". It generally is the construction of temporary structures (but can be used for permanent structures too). Today I was at a conference and the main Health and Safety Manager from London 2012 Olympics was giving a presentation and talking about how alot of the structures for the Olympics in London are going to be temporary and will be dismantled a few years later.

So... what is my point?

Well... these last few months I have been contemplating the idea of buying a house (scary!!) and actually getting a mortgage. I went through the process of speaking with a Mortgage Advisor, scanning the internet for houses... thinking about the area I would move to, etc. Now, this is something which to me, is the scariest thing as it is so permanent. However, I spoke with my MA and he seemed rather positive (without going into too much detail -- my financial situation isn't particularly gleaming so I was rather suprised!)....

That was until today when I received a letter in the post.

See, this last week I have been praying about the whole thing as I know, in my heart, I will spend more time in the USA. I know I will... I don't necessarily how that's going to look but I know it's a part of what God has called me to. So, buying a house would mean I would have to stay here for quite a few years yet... I usually ask God for direction or for Him to speak very audibly and He usually doesn't say a lot (or maybe I'm just not listening)! But, today a letter spoke very clearly and told me that I can't get a mortgage.

Admittedly, I was disappointed. I began to have visions of being 40 and still living with my parents with lots of cats or something. But, then I remembered what I had asked of God... for Him to clearly speak. And, He did.

So... I don't know why I used the construction example. I just know that even though I am here, in Birmingham right now, this is a temporary place. But, for so long I have wrestled with settling here and I have got to a place of being totally ok about being here -- If God would have me permanently set up residence here then that is ok. However, I just believe that in the future.. maybe in a few years.. things are going to change...

which brings me back to my other stupid connection to my job!

Tonight I was talking with my mom about all of this and how things are turning out completely different to how I originally had thought. And, she started talking about connections and networking .. that God brings us these connections and will use them. Like, even my random meetings that I talked about in my last blog! God is building up connections around this nation/world (hey, maybe me and JT!!) and I am just SO excited by it! And, I think about my job and how part of it is about networking and building up connections and I just feel this is part of the equipping for the future... not necessarily the fact I'm building connections up with architects... but just learning how to...

I just believe God is calling like-minded people together across our world.... that He is building a network of people who aren't phased by doing things differently, who want to love passionately for Jesus. And, I want to be a part of that network... with all my flaws, issues and whatever... I just want to be available to whatever and wherever God would have me.

Temporarily or permanently.

through the valley

2007-05-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am so tired today -- I have been away in Staines this past weekend, and amongst rubbing shoulders with Brian May and Anita Dobson, I got to spend some time with some good University friends.

As I keep referring to the past four months having been extremely challenging, I will keep the theme going just a little longer..

I really feel as if I'm reaching the end of a very long valley - which in all honesty, I've kept myself in. I probably could have emerged from it a lot earlier than now, but I decided to dawdle a little bit. I've been honest with some great friends, friends who have accepted me despite my flaws and mistakes. Friends who will be friends for life. There has been such a release this past fortnight and there's a light I can see!

I have also really felt challenged this past couple of weeks to practise the act of reconciliation. There has been situations over the past months wherein friends have been lost, and it's not necessarily that I want to clamber to get those friendships back because they will never be what they once were. However, I think there has to be reconciliation and a process which involves an acceptance of mistakes made - I am trying to do that...

I think God is shaking everything that needs to be shaken. And, He is definately taking me through a purification process. And, you know what? What I have been through the past couple of months has opened my eyes up to a LOT. It's so easy to say "that's how you should deal with it.. or *this* is how you should deal with it.. how you're dealing with it is wrong" and I know I have done that in the past. But, you know what? People deal with things in very different ways and that is totally ok.

I have taken my time dealing with the stuff that I've needed to, and sure - I could have dealt with my mistake in better ways.. but through it all I have been held in the hands of a Wonderful Maker who is shaping and changing and growing me. It's a sometimes painful process, but I trust and Love Him.

Writing History

2007-05-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

I came into work early today in order to get a presentation together. However, the individual who has all the information I require, is not here yet. Do you know how frustrating that is? It is enormously frustrating.

It does, however, give me some time to write a blog. Something I would actually rather do - it beats writing about optimum programming and defects liability period within a construction project. I know you're all jealous of what I get to write about, admit it.. come on!

Last night I watched the movie, 'Stranger than Fiction' with Will Ferrell and I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's one of those movies layered with so many ideas, which caused me to really contemplate its message.

The film is centered around Harold Crick, a thirty-something American who's life is so methodic and sedate, often controlled by time and habit. He begins to hear the narration of his life - not in advance, but as it occurs (Emma Thompson is the narrator / author - she is such a great actress). I'm not going to say any more about the story because you should all go and watch it :)

But, the main thing I got from this film was the whole question of 'can we play a part in the path our life takes?' Do we have the ability to direct our path, particularly if we're Christians? I don't mean the whole thing of pre-destination because I believe that subject has been preached to death in the Church. But, how much of a responsibility do we have in our ending? Do we want it to be a tragedy or a comedy? With it being a tragedy, surely that would make our life a masterpiece? (as in the movie) We have lived and died for something.

However, in the film, the narrator told the story as it happened so it was already known by Harold Crick. It was as if it were a confirmation of where he was at rather than a prediction.. is that how our story is? Then, I guess we're getting into the whole pre -destination topic after all! If our life is mapped out, the story being told is one which is already confirmed. Can we change the ending? Yeah, I think we can. Hmm..

Anyway, on a lighter note the ending of the movie last night disappointed me. That was the only disappointing thing about that movie... they should have kept it a tragedy.

lip service

2007-04-04T15:33:00.000-07:00

I come across so many people who play homage to lip service. That is, the very words they speak do not echo their actions. In fact, the only thing that resonates is utter contradiction.

And, this also applies to me.

It is increasingly evident that the world in which we live has grown weary of truth and the benefits of living the truth, believing in it, and speaking it. And I see it in so many arenas.

As previously discussed, the documentary Louis Thereoux ran on Fred Phelps and his minions of haters saddened me. Partly due to the actions of those in his church, but mainly due to the deception his people had taken on board as truth. Their words, beliefs and lifestyle certainly does not reflect truth. Agreed, this is somewhat different to playing lip service to something.. it is blatently denying the truth that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son. Instead, they make the conscious decision to preach that God hates the world. Therefore, the lip service they're indulging in, is the use of the name of Jesus in an attempt to support their twisted mindset. Their words contradict the message of Jesus Christ.

Another example is the way in which, we, as Christians contradict the Gospel of Jesus through our actions. And, I very much say this to myself. I feel, at this very present time, there is raging war going on within me. Paul says it well in Romans:

"But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me." Romans 7 22-24

I am in no way saying I am doubting my faith, or anything of the sort. But, I do feel that in this very stage in my life, I am undergoing character surgery and the shaking which is occuring is sometimes violent, painful and with a lot of loss but it is vital to my wellbeing. It is vital for the Kingdom and is vital for my growth in God.

I don't want to be a Christian who merely pays lip service to a God she worships on a Sunday and / or Thursday night. I want to be dangerously, obessively and undeniably (that's a quote from someone else) in love with Jesus and live him out. The war raging in my mind is one which will never cease and thus, I cannot put my battle armour down. It's one I shall fight to the bloody end so that when I do meet my Maker, I can hold account of every single thing I have done and bow down and worship Him.

Thank God for Grace.

silly people.

2007-03-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in my previous blog, I've been to a conference these past couple of days. It was very good.

But, I have a bit of a complaint to make.

Before I begin, let me just explain something.. I have been to numerous conferences (hey, before you read on... I am NOT a name dropper, if you know me or anything about me, you will know my heart and hopefully understand that is not my intention) with some of the big cheeses. I've led schools weeks with 'big' names in the Christian arena.. I was part of a Church which had some of the "big names", it really is NO BIG DEAL.there are no 'big names' in the Kingdom.

Now, I will say that there are people who go to conferences and want to touch the visiting speaker, they will do anything to speak to him/her. I get embarrased for these people... 'speaker chasers' I like to call them. There are a lot of Christians out there like this..

That said, I want to SHOUT at people who answer my question of "oh, do you know who is speaking tonight?" with a sharp "well, it DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHO IT IS DOES IT??"...as if I'm saying it's who it is that matters!!! In all honesty, YES I do have favourite speakers who I can relate to and there are speakers I find extremely difficult to follow. And, that is perfectly OK!!

Why is it that Christians are so quick to thinking that ALL Christians want to suck up to a preacher?? We even had one guy on Friday night accuse my friend of wanting to 'eye-ball' the speaker just because we didn't want to sit in a flippin OVERFLOW room and wanted to sit in the main room!! My response to this guy was "um, well she's married to a preacher so why would she want to eyeball another one??!".

Some people are so flippin quick to presume and it really irritates me!

Yeah, there are speaker chasers out there... but, I am NOT one of them. And, if I ask 'who is speaking tonight?' it doesn't mean that I base all of my opinion if God will move on whichever speaker it is, it just means I find some speakers easier to follow.

Bloody Christians: do my head in.

garment of promise

2007-03-03T03:32:00.000-08:00

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Yeats is probably one of my favourite poets, and the above is one of his best. I also like Seamus Heaney, Phillip Larkin, E.E Cummings and Dylan Thomas.

Yep, I'm a bit of a geek.

Anyway. I feel as if I've written vast amounts of blogs on the subject area of dreams and visions - many of which have been deleted. I am sure people must grow weary of reading my incessant rants about why my dreams aren't unfolding into a reality, why I feel stuck, why I feel despondent. Why this, why that, why here, why not now.

Blah blah blah.

Now, I have read one person's answer for all of this and it was something quite deep, meaningful and amazingly Biblical. That being, 'own yourself'. Hmm..

I don't think so.

For, I don't 'own myself'. God has captured my heart and therefore, He has all rights to my dreams, hopes, visions, and every detail they encompass. Thus, I certainly do not 'own myself' -- 'I am not my own' as Matt Redman would sing.

Anyway, I've digressed a little.

In 1998 I moved to the US, fell in love with the place and to cut a long story short, feel I will spend more time there. It's a part of the calling I believe God has put on my life. Now, I will openly admit, I've been trying to find ways of making it possible for me to return, and have spent summers back in the US and applied for jobs, thought about going as a missionary, marrying into the country, etc" (disclaimer : the last one was a joke).

But for the past year or so, God has really been teaching me the importance of actually 'laying my dreams down'. I don't mean walking away from them and forgetting all about them - because I believe that it's a God-ordained vision. However, I do mean handing them over to God on a daily basis.

This last week I was leaving my cell / home community group and someone had really blessed me there with a gift. I drove home and just balled and balled my eyes out, because I felt God say to me "Amy, when you hand something over to me and entrust it -- I will BLESS you". I don't believe God is into the act of bribery, because I know He longs to bless His kids - but it takes us actually handing our dreams and hopes back to Him and leaving them with Him. I know that I have snatched them back time and time again. Because, I fear that if I give them to God He will take them from me permanently and I will never return to the US.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah..so, whilst driving home and been totally overwhelmed with Gods tremendous kindness, I felt as if I had got to a place of surrender with my dreams and my hopes and as if I was fine with being in the UK. Furthermore, I felt fine about being in Birmingham (as long as He gets me a new job -- that's the deal God, ok??!).

So, the poem above is pretty integral for me because it's as if that is what I am saying to God. I don't have thousands of pounds to give Him, I don't have a huge house I can use in the community, all I have are my dreams.

And, that's what I lay before Him.

walk on.

2007-02-27T14:58:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I was having a conversation with one of my good friends, during which some phrases came up that we have both had said to us - either subliminally or directly. And, it got me thinking about the art of burying issues through maintaining the 'stiff upper lip' we so often associate with being British.

However, some of these phrases don't stem from British, but American culture. They are:

'pull your boot straps up'
'get over it'
'whatever'

I know that I have used the above phrases within my vocabulary - probably the most frequently used is 'whatever', which I actually detest. I find all of the above phrases a brush off, and a rather immature way of dealing with life. To hear someone address you with a "whatever" is basically saying "I'm not interested in what you have to say". To hear someone say "pull your boot straps up" is, in my opinion, fickle and somewhat ignorant. To hear someone say "get over it" is equally as condescending.

The reason I say this, is because I believe everything is a process. There is no 'quick fix' to anything and more often than not, when something is taken through a 'quick fix' process, it is a botch job with a very short shelf life. If the process is a long one, then so be it -- at least what is produced is something which holds substance and longevity rather than something which will withstand about a week's use. Am I making any sense at all?

When I did my year out (DNA), we heard a phrase banded around continually, which was "embrace the process". In all honesty, the more I heard this, the more I wanted to vomit.

I knew it was true, yet I had grown accustomed to just 'getting over things'. It says in 2 Corinthians 4 v 16 that 'our spirits are being renewed every day' - the key word being 'renewed'. It doesn't say that "we have a new spirit, bang, done, that's it".

It's a process.

Life brings with it, situations, which require us to walk them through. Life doesn't offer 'quick fix solutions'. When we are faced with tough situations, God isn't calling us to say 'whatever' to them... He's not calling us to 'pull up our boot straps' because that makes it about US rather than HIM, He's not calling us to 'get over it'... because more often than not, we don't actually deal with the issues.

He is, however, calling us to acknowledge Him in everything we do. He is calling me to acknowledge my need for Him, the need to walk things through, the need to be changed and daily renewed and to align my mind and heart to His.

There's no "getting over it" involved. Sure, we are called to step away from sin, from mindsets and from a path which would distract us from reaching the prize, however.. the race is to be run, we're not able to just hop over the finish line. It takes perseverance, commitment and an acceptance of 'embracing the process'.

cops and robbers

2007-02-18T15:32:00.000-08:00

Before I commence with my latest series of random reflections, I must apologise to any bored being who reads my blog. I know that I have made it a regular occurence to continually alter or even delete my account, and there have been reasons which I daren't go into - otherwise they could spur paranoia. However, I came to a sudden conclusion that my blog exists for the sole reason of expressing my rants/thoughts/prayers thus, I would continue.

OK, explanation over let the typing begin :)

There are two things in my mind and heart today and whilst at Church this morning thought to myself 'i want to write a blog on this subject, but haven't a clue where to start'. But, I will make a shaky attempt to explain the first thing, and hope that whoever is reading this, can make sense of my words!

It is apparent to me, how many people are robbed. I don't mean in the literal - i.e. handbag nicked by some dodgy fellow in a Kappa tracksuit. I mean, in the Spiritual, emotional and mental.. probably moreso in the Spiritual. I guess I see people who have maybe experienced the awesome love and power of God, yet have gotton so bound by the world that all is forgotton. Well, not necessarily forgotton, but has been shelved. Shelved next to nostaglia, but with a self-adhesive new wrapper which states "my faith - laid down, stripped away, robbed". And, it makes me incredibly sad. So sad.

I remember a few years ago, during the summer months, I was walking in Birmingham... happily swinging my handbag around because the sun was shining and it was just a great day. Anyway, this guy walking toward me tried to steal my bag from me, and my instant reaction was to scream at him and fight him for what was rightfully mine. He didn't get my bag but just carried on walking as if nothing had happened. You know what? NO ONE came to my aid and there were people all around. Instead, it was me who had to make sure this man did not get his mits on my bag.

I guess, this is how closely we should guard our hearts, our relationship with God and our integrity. I am not saying, however, that we should keep our relationship with God under wraps - no way. But, what I am saying is that we need to be aware the enemy comes like a theif - to destroy and to take what rightfully belongs between God and I. And, you know what? It's our responsibility - not anyone elses, to guard this. Sure, we can have accountable relationships but primarily, we are called to be responsbible and guard the things precious to God.

Which, brings me to my second thought of the day. That SO often, Christians are so quick to blame other things for their wrong-doings / troublesome times. And, in all honesty... the one I have the most problem with is, 'im just so done with Church'.

What?

OK, firstly - I totally understand that the Church has a lot to learn. But, let's backtrack a little...

As a kid, I was taught that the "church" is the PEOPLE, not the building or structure or whatever.... WE are the Church. Thus, if you are done or tired with the Church - then LOOK at your own heart. And, I'm saying this to myself too...believe me, I am no innocent bystander in this! I have experienced pain in Church, hurt by people in Churches, boredom in Church... but you know what.. as a wise man once said "don't find a perfect Church and then join it, cause you'll ruin it". And, that is SO true! We will always screw up as Christians, but WE are the Church.. so please, let's stop being what we're actually accusing the 'Church' of being... and that is pharisees.

and, im back

2007-02-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

same blog name as before. im gonna start reposting.