silly people.

As mentioned in my previous blog, I've been to a conference these past couple of days. It was very good.

But, I have a bit of a complaint to make.

Before I begin, let me just explain something.. I have been to numerous conferences (hey, before you read on... I am NOT a name dropper, if you know me or anything about me, you will know my heart and hopefully understand that is not my intention) with some of the big cheeses. I've led schools weeks with 'big' names in the Christian arena.. I was part of a Church which had some of the "big names", it really is NO BIG DEAL.there are no 'big names' in the Kingdom.

Now, I will say that there are people who go to conferences and want to touch the visiting speaker, they will do anything to speak to him/her. I get embarrased for these people... 'speaker chasers' I like to call them. There are a lot of Christians out there like this..

That said, I want to SHOUT at people who answer my question of "oh, do you know who is speaking tonight?" with a sharp "well, it DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHO IT IS DOES IT??"...as if I'm saying it's who it is that matters!!! In all honesty, YES I do have favourite speakers who I can relate to and there are speakers I find extremely difficult to follow. And, that is perfectly OK!!

Why is it that Christians are so quick to thinking that ALL Christians want to suck up to a preacher?? We even had one guy on Friday night accuse my friend of wanting to 'eye-ball' the speaker just because we didn't want to sit in a flippin OVERFLOW room and wanted to sit in the main room!! My response to this guy was "um, well she's married to a preacher so why would she want to eyeball another one??!".

Some people are so flippin quick to presume and it really irritates me!

Yeah, there are speaker chasers out there... but, I am NOT one of them. And, if I ask 'who is speaking tonight?' it doesn't mean that I base all of my opinion if God will move on whichever speaker it is, it just means I find some speakers easier to follow.

Bloody Christians: do my head in.

garment of promise

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Yeats is probably one of my favourite poets, and the above is one of his best. I also like Seamus Heaney, Phillip Larkin, E.E Cummings and Dylan Thomas.

Yep, I'm a bit of a geek.

Anyway. I feel as if I've written vast amounts of blogs on the subject area of dreams and visions - many of which have been deleted. I am sure people must grow weary of reading my incessant rants about why my dreams aren't unfolding into a reality, why I feel stuck, why I feel despondent. Why this, why that, why here, why not now.

Blah blah blah.

Now, I have read one person's answer for all of this and it was something quite deep, meaningful and amazingly Biblical. That being, 'own yourself'. Hmm..

I don't think so.

For, I don't 'own myself'. God has captured my heart and therefore, He has all rights to my dreams, hopes, visions, and every detail they encompass. Thus, I certainly do not 'own myself' -- 'I am not my own' as Matt Redman would sing.

Anyway, I've digressed a little.

In 1998 I moved to the US, fell in love with the place and to cut a long story short, feel I will spend more time there. It's a part of the calling I believe God has put on my life. Now, I will openly admit, I've been trying to find ways of making it possible for me to return, and have spent summers back in the US and applied for jobs, thought about going as a missionary, marrying into the country, etc" (disclaimer : the last one was a joke).

But for the past year or so, God has really been teaching me the importance of actually 'laying my dreams down'. I don't mean walking away from them and forgetting all about them - because I believe that it's a God-ordained vision. However, I do mean handing them over to God on a daily basis.

This last week I was leaving my cell / home community group and someone had really blessed me there with a gift. I drove home and just balled and balled my eyes out, because I felt God say to me "Amy, when you hand something over to me and entrust it -- I will BLESS you". I don't believe God is into the act of bribery, because I know He longs to bless His kids - but it takes us actually handing our dreams and hopes back to Him and leaving them with Him. I know that I have snatched them back time and time again. Because, I fear that if I give them to God He will take them from me permanently and I will never return to the US.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah..so, whilst driving home and been totally overwhelmed with Gods tremendous kindness, I felt as if I had got to a place of surrender with my dreams and my hopes and as if I was fine with being in the UK. Furthermore, I felt fine about being in Birmingham (as long as He gets me a new job -- that's the deal God, ok??!).

So, the poem above is pretty integral for me because it's as if that is what I am saying to God. I don't have thousands of pounds to give Him, I don't have a huge house I can use in the community, all I have are my dreams.

And, that's what I lay before Him.