Annoying. I don't want to have to share my blog page with other people. It's just all over the place and I don't like it. I guess I'm selfish - I mean, I know Tumblr. is all about sharing ideas, etc but to be honest, I just want somewhere to write and have my own space with no other 're-blogged items'.
I spent this past weekend in London, which was good. Sarah had a lovely tea party so I made cakes to take down. I used to make cakes a while back but stopped. But, I love making them so I enjoyed making these delicious ones. Then, today I moved offices, fell down the stairs and really hurt myself. No fun.
Things have got to change.
It's time.
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Monday, 12 January 2009
Holy Mess
Don't you just love Church when it gets messy? Ahh, I do. I love it. I love it when God shows up and blows us away by His Glorious presence!
This weekend, we've had a 'leadership and vision' development time wherein we had an external provider come in, check us out and then encourage us to be 'real' with each other and where we want to see the Church go. Now, this could have been a little bit dangerous... ! Friday night there was a bit of tension, shall we say..! But, as the weekend developed some really great stuff came out. One of the best things was on Saturday when each one of us was encouraged to think about what we are passionate about and what we are going to 'step up to the plate' with in our Church's life.
I sat and thought about this... and knew, almost immediately, what I needed to say and commit to. This was worship and a few other things..
Anyways, I could feel my heart beating, going crazy... but knew I had to take a stand in this. So, I did.. and guess what? Amy got emotional! Ha. That's just the way I am.
This morning at Church was awesome. Firstly, Guy (the guy who came to speak) spoke on latent potential. And, how Jesus always saw that in people - in Simon he saw the potential ... of Peter and in us He recognises potential. And, as a community of believers that is how we should see each other.
I was asked to play a little (guitar) whilst people moved around to encourage each other - speak out what they see in each other. I happily played some music... and then Paul, a guy in the Church (and, and awesome one!) came and really encouraged me about my worship leading... then, the guy, Guy came and prayed for me... about worship and how he saw the prophetic moving in my life and I needed to really step out into that more. I could feel my whole body shaking... it was great.
Then, toward the end of the meeting all those who 'felt' that God was calling them to step up to the plate as regards the prophetic, were called to the front. I walked on up and I have never experienced this before, but I felt the literal glory of the Lord on my face.. I started saying 'can anyone else feel that heat??'... all over my face, it was CRAZY! (I thought I had begun the menopause and the hot flashes had begun...haha - not yet, Lord!).... ahh. Awesome.
Anyways, I guess what I am unpacking on this blog is my thoughts/feelings/stirring about the giftings God has given me. For such a long time, in Church, I have felt as if because I 'do things differently' when it comes to worship, there isn't a place for those ways of doing things... so, I have stepped back a little bit. My Pastor is awesome who always encourages... but, I have come up against some stuff (that doesn't need to be relived over this blog) which has been upsetting and a little bit ...I can't think of the word... restricted. That's the one.
But, the encouragement I have received from others.. particularly over this past weekend but also my good friend Alana, who I went to see in Paris before Christmas, has really stirred up what God has put in me. Sure, I don't believe I'm the best 'singer' in the world.. or the best guitarest... but I want to use what God has given me.
Which brings me to something else I've been thinking about... and, I don't know how well this will come across in a blog... but, with the possibility of me moving to Ventura in a few months or so, will I have the chance to exercise this gifting of worship leading? At the end of the day, I want to use what God has given me, to further His Kingdom. But, I really feel a release in my Church which, if I move away, I don't know will continue. Sure, we should all move forward in our gifts regardless of whether we are encouraged or not - our identity comes from God and God alone. But, we are human - and encouragement is good, ya know? Will I be able to move in this gifting or will it be a year where I have to lay that down? To be honest, I don't want to lay it down as I feel God is stirring it up in me again to move forward in..
I know that wherever we are, we are called to serve - if that means putting out the chairs, cleaning the crappers, taking out the rubbish, then that is just as important as leading worship, speaking in Church or leading a group. But, I do believe that God has given us strengths and giftings that He wants us to use in the Church... and, I want to use those gifts..
Long blog.
In the Midst Of..
2008 has passed and here we are, already in 2009. I remember thinking, whilst watching one of the Back To The Future films many years ago, 'I wonder what it'll be like in the 21st Century, whether we will indeed use the Hover Board to travel'.
But, it's still our feet. (which is a good thing otherwise we could have ended up travelling in armchairs, a la Wal*E mode).
For me, 2008 was a year during which I threw myself into my job. I became what I did and many times throughout the year I would find myself stressed, unable to sleep and working to, more often than not, ridiculous deadlines. But, in many ways I thought this was good - I was proving myself and also my ability to manage and grow the company in which I work and did see fruit from this.
Now it's a whole 9 days since we opened our 2009 calendars, I have had a little time to reflect on last year and think about the year ahead.
I think that I have reached a stage whereat I choose to not make lofty plans for the year ahead. I think planning is important but so much can change in a matter of days let alone 12 months. Lots of things have changed for me in the past 12 months but not necessarily those things I thought would change. I guess that makes it so much more evident that God is God and His thoughts differ so much from ours!
For so long in my life, I have lived in the future and have longed for the day when.
I had a comment on a previous blog from a good friend stating that I always write about the same thing in my blogs - i.e. dreams, unfulfilled desires, etc and he was so right. I have lived in that place for a long time and it's only really this past year during which, I have examined those areas of my life.
I guess that, admittedly, I put more hope in my dreams than in my Maker.
So, God has brought me to a place of really and truely laying some things down. I'm not saying that those things are forgotton but, they are in their rightful place - not in my Hands but at the foot of the Cross. Best place for them.
Since I slowly (when I say slowly, it's been about 8 years!) have reached this place of surrendering those things, God has opened up some doors - and, to be honest, the doors He is opening are pretty daunting. I have had to ask myself the question 'crap, am I ready for this' and thoughts that life has become comfortable in the past couple of years - do I really want to uproot?.... I don't think I would have even considered these things a number of years ago. I do believe that it's so important to consider things whilst also not allowing external factors to ultimately determine decision.
Last Sunday whilst visiting a Church in California, the Pastor was talking about how everything belongs to God and we are only stewards of things. (e.g. money, gifting, family, etc). That really challenged me about what I was doing with what God has given - am I being a good steward or am I using those things as excuses to remain in the status quo?
At the end of the day, I guess what has really shifted in my heart is the concentration on God rather than me. All I am is His and all I have is His. The only lofty plan I have for 2009 is to have a year, during which my relationship with God is priority. Not my dreams but the pursuit of His heart. I want to be closer to God... not from a striving but from a falling in love with Him.
So, for me, 2009 is a year to fall in love.
But, it's still our feet. (which is a good thing otherwise we could have ended up travelling in armchairs, a la Wal*E mode).
For me, 2008 was a year during which I threw myself into my job. I became what I did and many times throughout the year I would find myself stressed, unable to sleep and working to, more often than not, ridiculous deadlines. But, in many ways I thought this was good - I was proving myself and also my ability to manage and grow the company in which I work and did see fruit from this.
Now it's a whole 9 days since we opened our 2009 calendars, I have had a little time to reflect on last year and think about the year ahead.
I think that I have reached a stage whereat I choose to not make lofty plans for the year ahead. I think planning is important but so much can change in a matter of days let alone 12 months. Lots of things have changed for me in the past 12 months but not necessarily those things I thought would change. I guess that makes it so much more evident that God is God and His thoughts differ so much from ours!
For so long in my life, I have lived in the future and have longed for the day when.
I had a comment on a previous blog from a good friend stating that I always write about the same thing in my blogs - i.e. dreams, unfulfilled desires, etc and he was so right. I have lived in that place for a long time and it's only really this past year during which, I have examined those areas of my life.
I guess that, admittedly, I put more hope in my dreams than in my Maker.
So, God has brought me to a place of really and truely laying some things down. I'm not saying that those things are forgotton but, they are in their rightful place - not in my Hands but at the foot of the Cross. Best place for them.
Since I slowly (when I say slowly, it's been about 8 years!) have reached this place of surrendering those things, God has opened up some doors - and, to be honest, the doors He is opening are pretty daunting. I have had to ask myself the question 'crap, am I ready for this' and thoughts that life has become comfortable in the past couple of years - do I really want to uproot?.... I don't think I would have even considered these things a number of years ago. I do believe that it's so important to consider things whilst also not allowing external factors to ultimately determine decision.
Last Sunday whilst visiting a Church in California, the Pastor was talking about how everything belongs to God and we are only stewards of things. (e.g. money, gifting, family, etc). That really challenged me about what I was doing with what God has given - am I being a good steward or am I using those things as excuses to remain in the status quo?
At the end of the day, I guess what has really shifted in my heart is the concentration on God rather than me. All I am is His and all I have is His. The only lofty plan I have for 2009 is to have a year, during which my relationship with God is priority. Not my dreams but the pursuit of His heart. I want to be closer to God... not from a striving but from a falling in love with Him.
So, for me, 2009 is a year to fall in love.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
My Shack
A few friends and I have just started a Book Club. I have recently started to read again having had a hiatus in literary escapism and have, during the past 12 months, read a number of autobiographies which have really challenged my ways of thinking including opinion on historical events.I don't really read much fiction. However, we have decided that our first book we should read together in our club is 'The Shack' - a book which has been recommended to me by a number of good friends. We have to read six chapters within the next three weeks but I have already read five of them and I don't want to put the book down.
Last night, whilst I was reading the book, I found myself crying on a number of occasions. And, these tears were due to various things. The first thing, which people are probably tired of me writing and talking about is the ache in my heart to be back in the US. When I was reading the first chapter or so and how the writer talked about Oregon, just little mentions here and there, I could literally smell that Oregon air and it reminded me of all that I miss. I could see streets, people, mountains... memories, laughter and tears. I was reminded of my time there and all the awesome people I have met along the way. So, that was the first thing that the book brought up.
Then, as I got into the story and the heartache, pain and loss of the main character my heart just broke (I don't want to give anything away in terms of the story as I think everybody should read it!). When he returns to the Shack and begins to question God and break down in pain... I just broke. I had to literally put the book down and just sob. The author states that 'everybody has their shack' - the place in which so much pain, loss and heartache is found.
And, I believe that I am starting to wipe away the dust on the windows of my shack. It's painful and I guess I have gotton to a place where I just ignore it. It's so buried down within me that the thought of unearthing it is going to be so tough. I feel as if, my Shack is a broken record to people... and it links in with what I previously wrote about in terms of my heart to be back in the US. But, I realise that until I face it and wrestle with God in that place, there is a danger that my Walk with my Papa will become cold and distant - not trusting Him with my life, hopes and dreams. And, I don't want that.*sigh*... this book is already bringing things to the surface. I am worried that if I start to cry, I won't be able to stop.
Last night, whilst I was reading the book, I found myself crying on a number of occasions. And, these tears were due to various things. The first thing, which people are probably tired of me writing and talking about is the ache in my heart to be back in the US. When I was reading the first chapter or so and how the writer talked about Oregon, just little mentions here and there, I could literally smell that Oregon air and it reminded me of all that I miss. I could see streets, people, mountains... memories, laughter and tears. I was reminded of my time there and all the awesome people I have met along the way. So, that was the first thing that the book brought up.
Then, as I got into the story and the heartache, pain and loss of the main character my heart just broke (I don't want to give anything away in terms of the story as I think everybody should read it!). When he returns to the Shack and begins to question God and break down in pain... I just broke. I had to literally put the book down and just sob. The author states that 'everybody has their shack' - the place in which so much pain, loss and heartache is found.
And, I believe that I am starting to wipe away the dust on the windows of my shack. It's painful and I guess I have gotton to a place where I just ignore it. It's so buried down within me that the thought of unearthing it is going to be so tough. I feel as if, my Shack is a broken record to people... and it links in with what I previously wrote about in terms of my heart to be back in the US. But, I realise that until I face it and wrestle with God in that place, there is a danger that my Walk with my Papa will become cold and distant - not trusting Him with my life, hopes and dreams. And, I don't want that.*sigh*... this book is already bringing things to the surface. I am worried that if I start to cry, I won't be able to stop.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Sunday, 29 July 2007
sail away
Isn't it weird how a conversation with one person or an experience, a smell or a song can bring back memories? Well, it's not weird because it happens all the time.. but, you would think that after 10 years, I would get over it and just realise "that's the way it is?".
Nope.
Yesterday I sailed my way across to the Isle of Wight. OK, so the Isle of Wight is nothing like Oregon.. but that feeling of the open air whilst enjoying the wide wide sea just reminds me of being in the US. And, tonight I had a 'Skype chat' with my friend Joel who lives in Redding... the end of the conversation consisted of him talking with a few others in the room he was in about where they were going to go for lunch. As they reeled off all these places they could go to eat I would go "aww... " because I miss that place.
How lame am I?!
We all think that our timeline is how it should be. I think that I should be in the US by now.. I have never felt settled ever since I came back here. Sure, I have had to learn to put my feet down and actually invest in things over here... but there is always that part of me which aches to move back there.
Next year I might. But, I guess that because I have been here for a while now, I am afraid. Am I too old to take the plunge and take a risk? I sometimes think I am. I sometimes think that I need to do all the things I should be doing at my age. Get a husband, get a new car, get a good pension and start listening to more David Gray.
*sigh*
Nope.
Yesterday I sailed my way across to the Isle of Wight. OK, so the Isle of Wight is nothing like Oregon.. but that feeling of the open air whilst enjoying the wide wide sea just reminds me of being in the US. And, tonight I had a 'Skype chat' with my friend Joel who lives in Redding... the end of the conversation consisted of him talking with a few others in the room he was in about where they were going to go for lunch. As they reeled off all these places they could go to eat I would go "aww... " because I miss that place.
How lame am I?!
We all think that our timeline is how it should be. I think that I should be in the US by now.. I have never felt settled ever since I came back here. Sure, I have had to learn to put my feet down and actually invest in things over here... but there is always that part of me which aches to move back there.
Next year I might. But, I guess that because I have been here for a while now, I am afraid. Am I too old to take the plunge and take a risk? I sometimes think I am. I sometimes think that I need to do all the things I should be doing at my age. Get a husband, get a new car, get a good pension and start listening to more David Gray.
*sigh*
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
it is well
This morning my Mom and I were talking about the hymn, "It is Well with my Soul" and the story behind the man who wrote it. It was written by Horatio Spafford with music composed by Philip Bliss and it's the story of Spafford, which completely blew me away.
Horatio Spafford wrote this song after many traumatic experiences including the death of his only son in 1871, shortly followed by the great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially. Then, in 1873, he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the S. S. Ville Du Havre, but sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with another ship, and all four of Spafford’s daughters died. Spafford’s wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone.” Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.
So... that was the story of Horatio Spafford... and the lyrics are:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
My life's trials are nothing compared to Spafford's, they don't even come close... but do I get caught up in the situation or look to Christ? Do I praise God in the midst of trials?
The answer is a definate, no.
Last night I was laying awake thinking about some things and how I feel as if I have been pooped on from a great height from the ways in which some have treated me. But, what can I do? I don't know.. I have examined my actions and thoughts and YES I am angry. Really angry.
I also look at other people's situations within my family and just the problems they've encountered. Am I praising God? Am I saying "It is Well with my Soul"? Uh, no.
Whilst I agree that God is tender to our circumstances and is a God of Grace, I also believe that He calls us to Praise despite circumstances... circumstances are temporary, yet He is infinite and outside of time...
This is something I am trying to grasp. I would rather revel in my situations and be a little bit self-absorbed. Yet, I know that I have to step out of this....and praise Him.
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